I've been reluctent to post this photo of me and my mom because I felt she would be upset at me because of how she looked. It's been 2 years for me now- each day- and each I wonder if I will ever not relate time, days, months to the loss of my mother, but I've come to realize it is now what makes me -me. The devistating loss I experienced has made me the person I am now...and I am not ashamed- just different to some who may know me.
This photo I took of my mom. I look at it so often and wonder why she smiled when she was suffering so much pain. It's not shown- but at the time, she was reading a book about how families deal with members having cancer. I took this photo of my mom when I was visitning for Christmas- my mother passed away January 7th. I spend so much time trying to look into her eyes to find if she realized she would die so soon...
I don't think she intended to die, as she was a fighter. My mother died too young- 63 is not time for a mother to die...
I don't think I would have thought I would be in her hospital room- holding her hand as the infection took over her body only to leave her weak...and soon swell beyond recignition- only to take her last breath less than one month from the Christmas celebration.
I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mom- but I can say that loosing her is the most tramatic experience I will ever have. And in that hurt- it draws me closer to her each day.
I only wish I could call her up and hear her voice each day.
I know mom, you were not always accepting of my "gayness"- but towards the end of your life- you were being supportive and wanting the best for me.
And I love and miss you so much for that.
My mother survived 6 months after being diagnosed with cancer.
Each month I will continue to think of you and where you were in your health.
I still find it hard to believe my mother is gone.
My eyes fill with tears of loss for you each day.
I will always love you mom.