My mom has an appointment at the Wound Care Clinic on Tuesday October 21st. While the good news is that the wound in my mothers chest is no longer infected, the hole is not healing. The Dr's hope that they can find a way to speed up the healing process so that they may resume chemo treatments before Thanksgiving.

I think a lot about my mother...about my family members and about my past. I did Not have a "perfect" family life. I have MANY abandonment issues that surround my father- as he left when I was very young. I have many self-estem, sexuality, abandonment issues that surround my mother and my sister- as I was ACCUSED of being a lesbian and was told by my mother that if in fact I WAS a lesbian, that she needed to take me somewhere to "fix" me. My mother, after being admitted to the pshyc. ward at the hospital for a while, told me one of the reasons she had her "break-down" was because of my sexuality. Included in this, my mother spoke of killing herself due to MY "issue".
I have NOT had a great or necessarily even good past relationship with my mother or my sister. But I am attempting to Work on it- and I am attempting to LET GO of the past hurt and blame that lives inside of me; towards my mom, my sister, and my father. NOW is the time for me to do this- as I may not have much more time to spend with my mother, and I don't want this time- the most important time- the near end of her existance time to be tarnished with past hurts and issues. I am very much working to forgive my mother, my sister and my father- most importantly- MYSELF for these hurts and pains. I am attempting to TRULY feel- with nothing in the way- love and support for my mom. And I believe I have reached it. It hurts so much to know the sadness in my mother, the fright, the loneliness and the pain.
I don't want to have any regrets in regards to my mother- I want to be there- take time off- be there everyday (although there is distance between us- I feel inside that I AM there everyday- as she is constantly in my thoughts and in my heart) for Her AND for Me.