Saturday, December 07, 2002

My therapist had brown curly hair, although it was not as short as it was in my dream. She also had eyes, but they did not include the rainbows at the bottom as in my dream.
Her energy was calming, I felt safe with her and so I had no problem opening up to her.
I told her that I had attempted to study psychology in my youth, but that I ended up analyzing EVERYTHING and everyone so much so, that I could not continue with my studies. I asked her what type of therapy she studied, and what she does to elevate stress so that she does not hold onto others issues and problems (she asked me if this was a concern of mine..-of course…always thinking of others…). After she discussed herself, we moved on to me…
The usual question,- what brought you here was posed, and I told her that I had never in my entire life experienced the level of stress that I have within the last few months. I talked to her about my job, and how I try and try and just don’t feel that I can get enough done. Her organization is one of my clients with their free weekly women’s HIV lunch meetings. I told her how I have had problems sleeping, how I didn’t feel rested after “sleeping” for I work in my dream. I discussed the “Hollywood Squares” dream I had a few months ago, and how I was taking things that I owned and placing them in the boxes..I realized the next day at work that those boxes represented the scheduling program I utilize at work. I disclosed my fear of talking to myself with her, and told her that it concerned me. We then concluded that the talking to myself is a way of dealing with stress and a way that I process my tasks. I did however mention that just earlier that week, I had made a conscious decision to focus on what I do get done, rather than the other pile, and I have not been nearly as stressed as I previously felt. I told her I was attempting to take control and that I finally felt adequate….at least some of the time…
She then asked about my family…and what my constellation looked like..I showed her what it looked like by waving my arms around. I told her about my father leaving when I was young, and how I still suffer from abandonment issues due to his departure.
She asked about my mother. I told her how my mother and I never really had a close relationship and how my mother had a couple breakdowns and had to be hospilitized for them. I told her how my mother- prior to being hospitalized had started talking to herself- and talking back as well. At that moment I connected my fear of talking to myself, and it reminding me of my mothers experience prior to her breakdown. My therapist and I discussed this topic for a while, and she asked if I felt responsible for my mother’s hospitalization, to which I said “yes”. Then (and I have been attempting to block this one out for 15 years) I recalled the time when my mother told me one of the reasons she had her breakdown was because of my sexuality. At this point I started crying –just what I feared would happen at this therapy appointment, my therapist sat there, and let me have my feelings. Eventually she said not every parent whose son or daughter comes out to them has to be hospitalized This of course I know, but it’s difficult not to be affected and react when a parent tells you that because of WHO you love, you cause them pain and mental anguish so much so that they can not handle it on their own. I realize I have a self induced repression regarding my sexuality due to the blame my mother placed on me (I have been attempting to deal with this and elevate it in my old-er age).
We then discussed my relationships. I told her of my recurring patterns (hey, I’m totally aware…just don’t know how to totally stop..) and how my abandonment issue is a large contributor. We discussed my past and previous relationships, I cried more and she handed me a tissue.
We then discussed the type of therapy I was looking for. This facility is for those in crisis mode, and I can only receive 12 sessions, therefore, if I wanted long term therapy I would have to seek out someone else. I decided that I would like to continue my sessions with her while I seek out a Dr. for longer term sessions.
After we decided I would return again, I told her about my dream, and how she had the curly brown hair, but no rainbows in her eyes. She asked me if I often had premonition dreams..I stated that while I sometimes did..I still had not yet won the lottery…she laughed. I like therapist that will laugh when they are supposed to…

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Wednesday, 4th December 2002

(Mar 21 - Apr 20)
It is all beginning to get very serious. You seem to be losing your sense of humour and that’s never a good sign. What can be done? Not a lot! Accept as much and, ironically, things will automatically start to improve. You are trying too hard to take responsibility for someone or something. In the process, you are making it harder for natural good fortune to make its way to you. Your motives are admirable, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that your strategies are impeccable. Lighten up a little. You are not required to single-handedly save the world or solve all its problems now.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Tuesday, 3rd December 2002

Sometimes, the truth hurts. That's why it is so important for us all to tell lies. After all, we do not want to cause one another pain! Reprehensible misrepresentations of reality are, of course, only ever the result of the most laudable, socially-conscious motives. Oh, and by the way, the moon is made of green cheese. We can all justify anything if we set our minds to the task, but words will never be more powerful than feelings. Our instincts know the score even when our brains are being blinded by science. You are now getting to see a picture that had previously been hidden from you. The experience is slightly sobering but incredibly positive.

I have my first therapist appointment tomorrow. I've only gone to couples therapy before, and that ended my relationship...or was it the other way around...
I had a dream about this upcoming session on Saturday night. I dreamt that the doctor’s office was an emergency room, and there were people all around missing limbs and bleeding. I had to be brought to the back room (which was like a fort in the woods) to wait for my Dr. who had to take care of those in real need before she could see me. She would come back to talk to me for a bit, then be paged to help out in the front room, therefore leaving me alone once more. My Dr. had short curly brown hair, reminded me of Maude, and the bottom part of both of her eyes contained rainbows. Suddenly a friend of mine was with me at the Dr.s' office, a one Jack Tripper from Three's Company. When my Dr would return to check on me, she developed more interest in my friend Jack, and would converse with him rather than me.
That was my trip to the therapist...
I wonder how it will go in "real life"...