I'm not sure how to talk to friends about my loss...it is the largest loss of my life- ever to be- but yet- I find myself only talking to friends when they ask. I want to scream and yell about my experience- for I experince something new each day.But most seem not to want to know.so I hold my breath.Hold it inside for those who ask- those I feel are strong enough to listen.Care. Last week I was asked because a friends father has been diagnosed with lung cancer.My heart breaks to hear the news. My heart also overwhellms with memories- but I feel it a kind gesture, asking me information about the disease-about the experience one goes thru trying to fight for anothers life..watching one fight for their own life...and perhaps not be sucessful.......watching one die.I now have that experience.
Not something I studied for.
I TRULY believe no one understands or feels death the way someone who is in the room with a person- with them for their FINAL breath on Earth understands the process- FEELS the loss as they wait...watch their loved one breath out for the last time, does.
It IS an exhale of breath that ends life.
Life chose me to experience this- and I want to be there for others- for I know my mother would want me to be supportive (and I want to be myself) to another in her situation.My mother died.She no longer lives- but can live thru me- thru my words- caring and kind heart.My advice is to touch the heart- as much and often as possible.Be there- let the person who is dying KNOW how imparative to your life they are.Love them.Hold them.for they are afraid as well.And there is no going back.I can not know what one goes thru when they know they are terminal.From what I have seen- it is a Fearful, scary life one leads until they pass...The pain of experience, of loss reaches into the depths of those who have lost a loved one.The most important thing we ALL, need- want is to be remembered.Remember.
Always.

When I was a teenager, I LOVED the Smiths. No other group spoke to me (or the Million other teenager/ young adults) the way Morrissey did. In 1986, I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to see them. The Smiths at The Smith Center in Washington D.C. My friends and I all arrived to wait in line at 10am, as the show was general admission and we wanted to be in the FRONT. When we got to the line- there were already about 20 people in front of us. We all hung out listening to music and talking about music. My friend Julie and I went around to the back of the building in order to find the back entrance, maybe see a “smith” and listen to the sound check. We were able to pull a door open a bit and peak in to see all “Smiths” on stage playing –except for Morrissey. Suddenly, we were discovered and someone working to protect the Smiths- pulled the door shut in our face (how Rude!). While we stood listing to the sound check- we were approached by a…woman carrying a guitar case- and her companion- she had a crew cut- and I just was not used to seeing a woman so boldly being “masculine”. She asked us if this was the back door in, and we said yeah- and she and her girl friend marched by us- knocking loudly on the door- finally gaining entrance. I was later to learn that our encounter was with Phranc.
When the crowd was finally let inside the auditorium, everyone RAN to the front of the stage- my friends and I ended up about 3 or 4 persons deep away from the stage. When the Smiths came on, the crowd went crazy- jumping up and down- screaming along to Morrissey! It was fantastic! Quite some time into the show- someone grabbed Morrissey as he was touching hands, and pulled him into the audience- the staff came to rescue him and pull him out- but he was Pissed and walked off stage. That was that. No encore- he was mad (or hurt, we didn’t know) about what had happened.
After the show, my friend and I waited for him to walk to their tour bus. As he walked by us, we asked if he was alright- he stopped and grabbed my friends hand and said he was fine. Then he did a miraculous thing.
He smiled.