I've been having a difficult time sleeping. Rather, it seems as if I'm sleeping- but I don't feel rested most of the time- I think I'm winning marathons and befriending dragons in my "dreams".

I always try to focus on the "bright side" of my mom's passing...that she is now out of pain and actually WON the battle she had been fighting for the last 6 months of her life. It just still hurts me so badly.

In the last 6 months of my mothers life, she was told she had lung cancer, went thru radiation treatment (which burned a tunneling hole thru her chest), chemo treatment, massive swelling of her face and limbs due to lymphodema, NUMEROUS hospital stays, pneumonia, her lung collapsing, loss of hair, appetite and energy, bed sores, as well as shock, stress, depression of this diagnosis of terminal illness.

Thursday, we were told my mother should be feeling better within 24 hours- as the Dr's were giving her anti-biotic for her 2nd bout with pneumonia- as well as the staph infection she had developed.
Friday morning the Dr. called saying the anti-biotic was not strong enough and my mother may not last thru the day...

It hurts to know that the last 6 months of my mother’s life were filled with such pain. I think this is what breaks my heart the most.

Must try to think of a good place...transport myself to that good place....

I AM LOOSING IT!
I am completely freaking out! I CAN'T do everything work expects from me! While I was out SO MANY inquiries and requests have come in- and they are all stacked up for me.

I broke down- started shaking and crying.

I don't know that I was ready to come back to work- and deal with all this stress.

I am in pain- and people want too much of me.

ANOTHER REASON OUR GOVERNMENT SUCKS

Do you realize once you die, you still have to file for taxes??!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

My sister is dealing with the filing of my mothers taxes for 2004.
And will have to file for my mother in 2005 also.

We just hope my mom won't OWE money.

How fucked up is this??!!!

..I do think however that since EVERYONE has told me how GLAD they are to see me...(I don't think just because they missed my cute little face)- and since SO MUCH work did NOT get done- (because I am vital)...that I should get a BIG FAT RAISE!
Screw the 1K cost of living increase I have been begging for...give me a 10K increase!

I miss you mommy.

Back at work today.
Only 38 voicemails and 198 emails to return...not to mention all the Invoicing I have to get to and all the correcting of mistakes others have made in my absence.

Honestly though, I am not stressed. Basically, I don't really give too much about it all. I'm still numb. I mean, what can anyone do to me right now that would really affect me? Go ahead...yell at me...TRY to make me feel guilty or sorry for you because you have a request that I have yet to get to... those things slide off of my back. I don't have energy for others right now-I need to take care of ME. And I can only do as much as I can.

I am again reminded...
I am not Superwoman.