I have been playing this song over..and over...and over again...
I miss my mommy.

"Bring You Back"
Peter Stuart.

I’ve been walking backwards lately
To see if I could find you
I still wear your old shirt sometimes
with the cigarette holes
That you burned through
Imagine you falling asleep
Watching tv in the den

If I could bring you back
And talk about everything
If I could bring you back again.

I lost my faith in the world
When you disappeared
Now I’ve finally found my feet again
And I wish
You were here
To walk in the living room
And turn the radio off

If I could bring you back
I’d play you a little song
If I could bring you back
But you’re gone

I’m happy for the things I have
One thing I’d like to change
I’d spend my nights making you laugh
I’d do anything to see your face again
Just to make you smile
Would set me free

If I could bring you back
That’d be the sweetest thing
If I could bring you back
I would do anything
If I could bring you back
To me

I am becoming quite anxious about my upcoming trip to Virginia and Ohio. I have been having many dreams about my mom. a recent one I see so clearly in my head: I was at my sisters house, walked into my mom’s room and her body was laying on the bed- suddenly she “woke-up” - sat up in bed looked at me and reached her hand out to me and told me she was cold….I wasn’t scared or anything…just a bit confused…I repeated that she was cold and called to my sister to come upstairs right away. While waiting for my sister- I was approaching my mom and she started smiling- but her body was decomposing so her teeth were HUGE as her gums had reseeded and there was black all around the gum area. My sister came in the room and we were holding my moms hand- asking why she came back: she said –“everyone was wrong- I really love people and that’s why I wanted to come back” –then my sister and I asked her how she left- but I woke up at that point. I mainly remember being so concerned and feeling sorry for my mom- because I knew others would not be comfortable and accepting of her while her body looked the way it did- and in fact people would be afraid of her because of what she looked like…

I’ve thought about this dream a lot…and as “they” say dreams can be reflections of ourselves, I feel this dream may be about me- and how I am concerned about me being “accepted” by my family in Ohio. When my sister and I were there for my mother’s funeral, I felt I was somewhat excepted…well, not accepted- but shown support in regards to the loss of my mother- but no one talked to me about myself- or even came CLOSE to asking if I was dating anyone. I AM discriminated against by my Catholic Republican relatives in Ohio…
But I plan on attempting to make a change to that...

Last week I was involved with the interviewing process for an open position at work. While we interviewed an array of candidates the one commonality they had was their “gayness” and their desire to work in an environment that would not discriminate against them for their sexuality. While I realize no place or person should ever discriminate against anyone for their sexuality, or otherwise, unfortunately, it does happen- even in San Francisco (and if it happens, contact NCLR or ACLU as soon as possible).
I was reminded again of the wish I made all the days of my life leading up to my employment at San Francisco’s LGBT Community Center….the wish to be able to work in an environment where I would not be judged for my outside appearance or my inside sexuality.
When you are “different” –yes, even in San Francisco, you tend to be judged, and most of my life I’ve dealt with the fear of being discriminated against because of who I am….
As I find myself SWAMPED with much work to do…trying to provide cost efficient space for members of the LGBT Community (to hold support groups, informative seminars, Workshops, Updates on Gay Marriage issues and other Gay News items, Remembrance days, theatre performances and an array of other events; up to 250 each week), at times I forget the fact that for now, a wish has come true for me- I do not even think about my sexuality being an issue.