My mom was admitted into the hospital again this morning. She has been swelled up for the last week due to the edema- and she's been having a hard time breathing- she was admitted so that they could monitor her for a few days.

My sister is so stressed out too. I am so scared-and don't know what to do- don't know if I should try to get laid-off...or quit to go there to help out now or not.

Loving thoughts to Christina's Grandmother who passed away this morning.

Some nights I can’t sleep after I’ve tried…
Others I have fear of sleeping…

While I feel sleep to be one of the most important aspects of mental and physical health, sometimes I am afraid of it. Sometimes my attempts make me want to magically take a pill to make me “regenerated” so that I can avoid the trip to the sub-conscious (which mostly plagues me with death and worry).

But I am smart enough to know that eventually it will all catch up with me…with all of us…

At this time, my mind is filled with death- and death is not a bad word- it only equals the other end of life. However, most of us have not had a religion that expressed death as a natural part of living…Hell, isn’t that what happens to us all? (not Hell, but death).

We all WILL die. Why is it such a sad, depressing, difficult subject to discuss? I want and NEED to at this time in my LIFE understand this.

I know one day the body I call “myself” will die. However, when I ATTEMPT to think of myself as dead- I can’t. I am one who believes in the energy of this planet..of this universe…and I do not feel I will ever dissipate- (no one’s soul will- the thoughts, and loves will continue on...) I may change form- and it may be for the best- as my “human form” cannot withstand the longevity of my soul….of who I TRULY am in essence... in thought. I believe I will exist in some form…I don’t know which- but I believe we continue on in some form or another (not reincarnation. perhaps we will just not exist on the planet Earth any longer). We exchange our vehicles. I believe this because if one simply tries to vision the world without their energy- it doesn’t work.. The equation fails. HOW can the universe ever be without the energy each person, plant or animal supplied to it? I equate it to each drop of water…it may evaporate…or be drank..but it’s still around –doing something..there is an effect.

This of course seems much more difficult to accept when death happens to a body...a colaboration of thoughts and feelings of love other than your own…

But….

We all affect.

We all exist and we all (are) matter.

The form we take is a vessel…we are not the essence of that vessel. We are the essence of our feelings..actions..and of love.

And Love continues after death.

I had another one of my "recurring dreams"- but this one was different...

Generally in this dream my mother, sister and step-father have to move back into an old house we once lived in. The feeling of moving back is of sadness, defeat and resolve. This house is filled with bugs- roaches and flying insects of all kinds- all over the floors and walls.

In more recent versions of this dream, there have been fewer bugs- but the feeling of defeat still existed.

Last night, the dream involved only me, my sister and mother moving back into this house. The neighborhood was different- as if time had evolved and the date was current (generally, the environment is the same as when we actually lived in the house). The feeling of this dream was on of gratefulness- almost as if we had won a lottery and actually purchased the house for us all to live in together. My mother’s health condition was as it is now, and it felt as if my sister and I were moving us into this house in order to take care of my mother. There was more to this dream…but at this time although I can almost visualize it…it is still out of reach…

Me and my mommy.

Christina went home to San Diego yesterday to be with her Grandma who is 96.

Her Grandma recently had a heartattck and is having difficulty breathing. She is now at Christina's parents house where she has lived for the last few years She is surrounded by family who have come to gather around and send loving energy her way.

I spent Christmas with my family in Virginia. It was a good and important trip.

My mother is not doing very well. The wound in her chest is begining to heal...slowly, however there is dead tissue under the tissue that is healing that still needs to drain. A long process which can only be assisted with nurishment. The Dr has ordered nutrition bags to be hooked up to my mother each evening in an attempt to give her addittional nurishment. My mother is in such pain and is depressed, she does not eat much and therefore this nurishment that flows thru her veins each night is almost all that she is receiving. I continue to pray for my mother, please let my mother's body heal quickly so that the cancer treatment may resume.

I love you mommy.

Here are a few photo's from my trip home.